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stages of manhood

Stages of Manhood: Are you Unfinished?

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I am soaking in so much right now in so many different ways and from so many different sources. It’s crazy and I feel like I’m drowning. However, it’s all for a good cause and I’m looking forward to the result.

Recently, Greg Francis, my upline Diamond, did a talk called “Stages of Manhood”. I have been hearing so much about this talk that I had to listen to it. I hadn’t realized that it was by Greg, but when I found out – I knew it was going to be good. And as usual, he hit a nerve with me.

There’s an author that Greg exposed to me a few years back that really helped me out. The author’s name is John Eldredge – he had written a book that many guys in LTD swear by called Wild At Heart. This book is a great for guys who are looking for help in their life because it explains the three things that a man is after in his life. If you’re a male, and you feel like you have a void in your life that you can’t figure out, then you might want to check out this book.

But here’s a teaser: Half of today’s marriages end in divorce. Why that is is another story. However, many times, that couple has children. Those kids, specifically boys, end up suffering due to that separation. On the surface, it’s hard to see what’s going on. But, boys who don’t have a stable man in their childhood years, often end up living life with a void. Why? Because depriving young boys of a father figure deprives that boy of the knowledge it takes to be a man. And as I can attest and as I’m sure many males of my generation can vouch for as well, there’s just so many guys who just don’t understand why they’re not happy in life. Wild at Heart helps them understand why they’re not happy.

In his talk, Stages of Manhood, Greg talks about levels in life that are mentioned in the book The Way of the Wild Heart. Personally, I think this is a great followup book. In it, John talks about 6 levels of Masculinity. Without completing each level, the male isn’t a complete man – he’s an “unfinished man”.

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The Stages of Manhood

Here’s a short description of each of the stages a man has to go through to be finished.

1. Boyhood

In this stage, a male is figuring out how the world works. He’s bumping around and getting high fives by his mentors/father figures. He has all the support that he wants and needs.

 

2. The Cowboy

In this stage, the unfinished man is looking for his own way in life. He’s still bumping into things, but this is the first time that he gets the opportunity to do things on his own. Many times, a male is going through a lot of first time activities such as getting his drivers license.

 

3. The Warrior

This is the stage for the man in where he wants to get things done. This is where a male really starts becoming a man. At this point, he’s starting to earn his own and he’s deciding to do things that have meaning. Many times it doesn’t matter what it takes to get things done – he just knows that’s what his life is meant for and he’s not going to take no for an answer.

 

4. The Lover

Many times this level might overlap with the warrior stage. At this point, the man is realizing the small things in life and what he can bring to others. He’s no longer looking for a girl because he feels incomplete or that he thinks of her as a challenge. He’s looking for her because he wants to add value to her life.

 

5. The King

This is the point where the man is earning the fruits of his labor. He can teach other men how to be Warriors and can help them learn how to attract others that they want to attract.

 

6. The Sage

Just as the King can build Warriors, the Sage builds Kings.

These stages aren’t ones that guys take in order. Sometimes, a male can be thrusted into a stage they’re not ready for. When that happens, it’s almost impossible for them to do well in that spot as they haven’t earned it. This happens a lot when young males are made the head of the household when their father drops the ball. I know that’s what happened in my situation and I’m proud to say that going through Warrior stage is actually quite rewarding in itself. I thought school was my Warrior years. Nope – I’m starting to go through them now.

Thoughts?

So there you have it. I’m curious as to your thoughts of why we have so many lost men today. Is it because they haven’t gone through a stage of manhood? Do you know any guys who this might benefit from this knowledge? Feel free to pass it along!!

The Teenager Principle: You Just Leveled Up!

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When I became a freshman in high school, I believed I knew everything. As an 8th grader, I, like you, felt like I knew everything there was to know about the world. I felt unstoppable. The older I got, the more unstoppable I felt. Until I moved on to the next school.

When I moved to the next school, (high school and later college) I remember thinking as a freshman that seniors just didn’t “get it” and that they were just off and/or mean for no reason. While I felt like nothing could hurt me, I also tended to feel that I was worthless. Talk about ups and downs!! Things kept happening to me and I just couldn’t understand why. Heck as a sophomore in high school, I remember getting on Yahoo! chat and acting like I was certain seniors. Later in college, I would play it off as if I was somebody that everyone should be familiar with and you were lucky to have me as a friend. But the truth was that I was not acting or comfortable with myself. Society was telling me that I had to be popular and do certain things – but when I did them, it always backfired. What’s funny now though, as I graduated and have had time reflect over the years and met younger and/or less experienced people, I’ve started realizing how brash, judgmental, and naive I must have seemed.

You Just Leveled Up!

There’s a saying that says “If you feel like life is harder, you must have just leveled up.” If you’re unfamiliar with this phrase, it’s simply referring to a a role playing video game in which you get new quests as you level up. The more quests you do, the more experience your character has and the more powers he has. In life, like the game, you must go through quests that take a lot more stamina than you’re used to. However, as you might know from playing those types of games, you get more rewards for sticking with and accomplishing them.

So in a nutshell, the Teenager Principle is simply believing that you’re good at things that you’re really not, but being overly humble about things that you’re good at. When I was told about this principle, things started making sense as to why my confidence was all screwed up. I now know why I felt the world didn’t make sense as a freshman in high school and college. It’s because I had just leveled up. I was taking on a new level of quests. Quests that, while they might seem similar, were at a completely different complexity. A complexity that I would not understand unless I had understood the adventure for what it was and kept moving forward.

Thoughts, questions, comments?

So how about you? Are you going through a period where you seem to be out of your comfort zone all the time? Have you ever noticed this phenomenon? When was the last time you leveled up? I’d love to hear from you. Also, if you’d like me to put you in contact with Mark Boersma, who has helped me discover this principle, feel free to email him at [email protected]!

The Baby Elephant Principle: Breaking the Chain

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What’s the Baby Elephant Principle? Basically it’s the idea that an elephant that is tied to a stake as it’s growing up will think that it can’t move even when it most definitely can. Want the full gist? Check it out.

One of the problems that I’ve dealt with recently since graduation is letting my past dictate what I can or cannot believe that I’m capable of. Recently, however, as I’ve been working with Mark, I’ve started to regain an understanding that we can’t really do anything until we’ve done it. The opposite holds true too as well. We can never know we can’t do something until we attempt it. Not everyone is going to be an NFL star, but they don’t know that until play football and give it their best.

Recently I was reminded of this several times as I have gained several students who think that they can’t do math because somewhere in the past they had a negative experience. Perhaps someone told them that they were bad at it or they had several tests in a class (which could have had a bad teacher) that just gave them a bad taste for math. But regardless of what the actual cause of the attitude is, we can address the attitude directly.

How would we fix this particular problem? Well, for one – it would probably help if they wanted to fix their problem. 🙂 But after that, it would help if they actually put effort into it. People learn at different rates. Some people, including myself, have incredibly slow learning curves – where others grasp an idea right away. Personally for me, I always had trouble with Algebra – especially when I was in college. I never got anything higher than a C. At the time I thought it was my teacher’s fault. But when I wanted to start teaching math, I found that reading the material thoroughly actually worked for me. I basically self-taught myself how to do Algebra… something that no teacher could have ever done for me.

The same thing can work for students – but again it’s if they’re willing to believe they can do it and take the time to learn how to do it. If they don’t do one or the other, chances are they won’t be able to accomplish the goal of passing the class to eventually get to graduation to potentially have a better life.

So what things in your past are keeping you from achieving goals you want to achieve?

Class Warfare 101

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I listen to and read a numerous amount of sources about politics. One of those sources is reddit. If you don’t know what reddit is, I highly recommend you take some time to make an account and explore it. Whatever your interests are, you probably can find a subreddit there.

One of the subreddits that I follow there is the “political” one. For the most part it’s full of progressive thinkers.You can find that out yourself by checking it out at reddit. As a follower of this blog, you probably know that I take the opposite stance of that perspective. I don’t understand how people can think that the economy can be fixed by just spending money… the government spending money – that we continuously have to raise the debt ceiling. I mean, we might as well raise it to a Gazillion dollars, ya know?

Today there was a post that was shared from a lefty blog that just made me laugh. (Here’s the link to the reddit link.) It just boggled my mind. Basically the writer of the post was going on about how there’s more of an income gap between classes here in the US than there are Egypt.

Well, duh. Yes there is.

Egyptians were under a dictatorship… we’re not. I would assume they were forced to be in certain income brackets – where, we’re not. No one is stopping anyone here from starting a business and making more money… other than the Bush and Obama administrations taxing and spending more.

Face it, the reason we have an income inequality gap is because the wealthy isn’t doing anything with their money (smart thinking!!) because they don’t know what to invest in because the past two administrations suck and the poor needs that money flowing otherwise they get poorer.

The writer of this post simply was wanting people with less money than “wealthy” people to envy them. Make them think that they’re the problem. That they’re the ones to blame. This has all the makings of class warfare ala Nazism vs the Jews.

I mean according to this blog… apparently all rich people are bad. So you best not try to be one yourself!! You’ll be bad too!

This is silly.

In my experience, money is simply an amplifier of a person’s personality. If the person is bad, they’ll do bad things with the money, if they’re good, they’ll do good things with it. In either case, they shouldn’t be forced to do anything with it. That’s essentially what taxes look like to everyone. However, taxes are needed – but definitely not in the percentages we see today through different classes. If they are forced to, others should pay their fair share of taxes if we’re gonna tax the heck out of the wealthy. People who are willing to work for that money shouldn’t be penalized because they were successful in obtaining it. Most often than not, they weren’t shaisters to get it. Most wealthy people become wealthy by actually helping others in selling a product a service…

The Solution:

Let’s just have a flat tax on everyone so the job making wealthy know what they have to earn to out earn their taxes so they can buy that new mansion and the middle class can figure out if there’s indeed a need for new mansions – which would probably provide 3 or 4 jobs for a good part of two years for those who can’t start a business right now!

If you don’t start your own business (you’re own safety net), you’ll always be dependent on someone else for your income. It’s your decision to make more money than you’re paid on an hourly basis – not someone else’s. Maybe you’ll never make as much as them, but you won’t know unless you try. But you shouldn’t tear others down, just to build yourself up. Don’t blame others for your situation. Hitler did – it didn’t end up working out so well for him, did it?

A True Navigator: Making Logical Decisions

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“Anyone can steer the ship but it takes a leader to chart the course.” – J.C. Maxwell

I like the fact that I have the same first initials of one of my favorite authors. 🙂

So… Here’s a situation for you. Let’s say that you are at the helm of a yacht setting out from California and you’re on your way to a great getaway location in the Caribbean.  You’ve been told that this place is the best place that you could ever be based on a conversation with a best friend that is on the yacht with you. The catch is that this particular place has a festival that is only going on long enough for you to barely make the last couple of days of it. Now you realize that to get to this location, you have to pass by several places that you wanted to check out including the coast of Mexico, the Panama Canal, and the Gulf Coast. Your destination sounds great and it’s the best time of the year to go, but you’ve personally always wanted to check out each of these places. You’d rather do all of it, but you have limited time. You would have more time to see everything but you know if you spend time elsewhere, you won’t make the festival. Which would you do? Would you check out the other destinations or try and make it to the festival?

Logic should say that you can go to the festival first and as you sail back, if you had time, you could check out the other destinations in reverse. I ask this question because it is very relative in how you live your life. How do you make decisions in your life? Do you generally make decisions on emotion or by logic?

Logic can be defined as the formal systematic study of the principles of valid inference and correct reasoning. Or, to put it into context, it’s the process of thinking about what you (or your organization) really want in the future and determining if your past actions and short term goals will get you there.

Naturally, everyone wants to make decisions based on emotion. We all want to do what makes us feel good. There’s nothing wrong with that. We simply can’t stop making emotional decisions because we, as humans, are indeed emotional. But sometimes if we make decisions without following a course, then we might miss bigger and better things. Sometimes we have to miss out on things right now to get to all the destinations. Sometimes we have to make decisions with logic and planning so that we can get the better rewards. We have to put off the good for the great.

If you’re not familiar with charting a course for your decision making, then here’s a strategic way for you to do just that.

The Secret to Navigating: PLAN AHEAD

The secret to navigating really isn’t too far out there. Yes, you have to “Plan Ahead”, but what does that mean? Well it just so happens that this is actually an acronym:

P – Predetermine a course of action: If you’re going to climb a ladder, make sure you’re climbing one that’s on the building you want to get to the top of. In the yacht trip example, we determine that we want to go to the Caribbean for the festival.

L – Lay Out your goals: Determine what you really want to accomplish. Which are initial higher priorities? Do you have time to make it to the different coast lines or do you have to go straight to the festival?

A – Adjust your priorities: Are your priorities correct? If they aren’t change them according to what you’ve heard, seen, and past experiences. You realize that if you want to make the festival, you have to set sail directly for it.

N – Notify key personel: Have a meeting with those in your life or organization that your decision directly affects. On the yacht, it would probably be a good choice to tell your friend who was wanting to go to the festival that you are indeed going there. If there’s anyone else on board that should know right away, tell them.

A – Allow time for acceptance of any changes: This part takes patience. In change management, we realize that the transition phase is going to be the longest part of change. There are three parts of the transition and should be done in three separate meetings. 1.) Announce the idea; 2.) Expand the ideas through determining the Pros and Cons with others; 3.) Summarize the plan with the people who helped determine it…

H – Head into Action: Most leaders want to start here without planning before hand. More often than not, this is a bad idea. Just because the Nike slogan is Just Do It! doesn’t mean that everyone should just start working out without consulting a physician first. Or in the yacht example, we want to make sure that everyone knows where we’re going before we go!

E – Expect Problems: Build in wiggle room. Again no one is perfect and perfection shouldn’t be expected of anyone – not even yourself. Even with the best thought out plan, we can’t control everything. In the yacht example, we might run into a storm on the way there or the engine might fail.

A – Always Point at Success: Be reassuring when needed. Make sure you remind yourself or the people you’re with of overcoming a challenge that was similar in magnitude. In the yacht example, talk about stories of the past in where you had to make a similar decision where you made it just in time to deliver a passenger on time for their flight.

D – Daily review your plan: Reflect on how things are going by thinking about three things: 1.) Review the goal 2.) Review the current situation and external forces 3.) Review the people involved – are they all ok? On the yacht trip: remember why you’re bypassing other destinations, check the weather and the condition of the boat, and make sure you’re keeping moral high if there’s any problems with the other passengers.

Now that you have a plan for your planning, make it a habit to make logical decisions in your life based on what you want in 5 to 10 years from now!!

A Great Teacher of Life: Stress

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Yes, yes, I know. I’ve been away for a little while. But it’s not because I don’t love you guys! It’s really not. It’s just that I had some personal stuff happen that I’ve been dealing with… namely my mom (read: best friend) passed away the the morning of New Years’ Eve. Frankly, I’ve been all over the place emotionally since then. But I’m doing pretty well a month and a half later. And my plans of world domin… er my career path has definitely been solidified. This site and everything that I believe that it can be (as a resource of helping others start their paths of discovering who they are and what they’re meant to do with themselves) is more part of the plan than ever before.

In the past month, I’ve realized what in the end kills so many people including Mom. It’s stress. Particularly, stress from work. Today I saw an episode of Royal Pains that elaborated on this fact even more. A guy who was really no older than myself was working on Wall Street as (I’m guessing) a stockbroker. Well, there he was walking with his best friend down the street and suddenly without warning, he collapses. We soon find out that it was from an aneurysm. As for my mom, the stress came not from being a high Type A kind of stress, but from a workplace that had transformed over her career. One that used to be truly about teaching to one that became more so about the dollar bill. And we all have been touched in our lives by this change – especially since the crash of 2008.

But what does one do outside of what they know to be the norm? Going to a workplace day after day that more or less doesn’t seem to appreciate them? Doing things that they know that anyone could do. Not doing things that make them in the end… happy? Well, they find their purpose. They find the work that does make them happy. They retire and teach at a local college. They buy back their life and teach airplane lessons. They teach others how to find wealth on the net.

Conclusion

More so than ever, I believe that my goal in life is to help others learn that there are alternative ways of living their life. That they don’t have to work for someone else and do things that they’d rather not be doing. That they can really do anything that they put their mind to. It is the truth. It’s just that someone needs to show them the right direction and not simply be the person that says “Hey, you’re good at Math. You should be an engineer.” Nay. Someone should say to them: “Hey. It seems like you’re passionate about this. Have you ever considered doing…?”

If your reading this and you want to join me, I would love to hear from you!! Tell me what you think.

happiness

The 5 Pillars of Happiness

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Pursuit of Happiness – it’s in the Declaration of Independence, but do we really know what it means? Is happiness something that we can truly achieve? If so, how?

I think it is. It’s in the eye of seeker. No one can define happiness but you. However, they can definitely help you along your journey

That’s what the story of Chris Gardner, the author of The Pursuit of Happyness, has done for millions of people. Personally, I had seen Will Smith’s rendition a few years before I ever had heard that it was actually based on the life story of Chris. But if you think you ever have it bad, I got to say it probably pales in comparison. I mean, he really did. At the time that he was going through so much grief in his life, he really didn’t have anyone to turn to. I mean for crying out loud, he and his son had to sleep in a subway restroom.

But, if you saw the movie, you’d know that eventually he made his goals/dreams come true. Not only did he make them come true, but he far exceeded them.

So what was the lesson from his story? Well, for one… I think the main lesson was to never give up or give in. But I also think there’s more that we can pull from this story. We can see that Chris also progressed in developing his 5 Pillars of Happiness: Relationships, Health, Purpose, Finance, and the Little Things. These 5 pillars is what makes up New Inceptions’ foundation.

The 5 Pillars of Happiness:

1.) Mental (Relationships being a part of this) – In Chris’ story, we find Chris living with his ex-wife who gives him plenty of crap about where they are in life and what he’s doing with himself. It’s not that she’s really interested in him developing into what he wants to be, but what she can get out of her relationship with him. She needs him to do things that at the time he is incapable of doing. They are struggling, but she is definitely not helping the matter any. However, in the end of the story (at least the movie), Chris has built one heck of a relationship with his son.

In the Relationship Pillar of Happyness, as with all the other pillars, there is a scale.  If a person is too heavy on one side of this scale vs the other, their life will be more difficult. As with everything in life, it’s all about proper moderation – these scales need to be properly balanced. In this particular scale one would say that there is side where a person is all about themselves. On the other side of this scale, they are all about other people at the expense of themselves. Neither extreme is good for building healthy relationships. If you’re too into yourself, no one will be able to trust you. If you’re too much into aiding others, then you’ll eventually be taken advantage of by them and made to do what they want you to. You need to know what you want out of relationships or it won’t be meaningful for any of the people involved.

To balance this scale out, it helps to understand why you keep the company you do and how to recognize those that are good for you. It also helps to know how to win the trust and friendships of those that you want in your life.

2.) Health – In Pursuit of Happyness, at least the movie, we never really deal with Chris’ health too much. However we would be mistaken to think that he was doing fantastic in this pillar. Little money = little food. Little food = malnutrition. Malnutrition, especially between a child and an adult, doesn’t usually equate to good things. The way to balance this pillar here is pretty obvious based on the focus of health in today’s society. To properly handle this pillar, one must balance out a fair amount of activity with proper nutrition. It’s all about proper maintenance and meeting the needs of your body. You can’t beat natural design.

3.) Spiritual (Purpose and Mission being a part of this) – In Chris’ story, he wants to leave the medical sales world behind and become a somebody on Wall Street. The movie is basically about his dedication in making this a reality. Obviously his dream to do this is to provide more for himself and his family which, at the beginning of the story, he’s not doing such a great job of. However, we shouldn’t get the pursuit of a “career” confused with the purpose of a person. A person’s career is just part of their purpose. Everything that a person chooses to constructively do with their time is part of their purpose. Everything that a person chooses to do that is not constructive use of their talents, is nothing more than a distraction of who they are.

However, too much of either side can’t be 100% good for you. Someone being completely constructive all the time in life might find it hard to have fun. Someone that lives 100% for fun, can not be happy because they aren’t fulfilling who they really are. In either extreme, a void is created and the person tries to fill that void with more of the same action. That’s how we get workaholics vs party animals. Those that do their research of who they are as a person, can figure out how to have fun while being constructive. This automatically balances you out. That’s how you can have a job where you don’t ever feel like you’re actually working.

If you can’t have fun when you’re being productive, the way to balance yourself here is choosing when to be purposeful and when to have fun. My suggestion? Work before play, but make sure you get to have fun.

4.) Wealth (Finance being a part of this) – Finally in Chris’ story, we need to realize the importance of money in his life. At the beginning, he doesn’t have very much of it. In the end, he has the opportunity to make plenty. Getting the chance to live his dream and be a player on Wall Street, definitely comes from his need to make a better living for himself and his family. There is nothing wrong with having this as a goal. However, we shouldn’t confuse this with just being rich to be rich.

In the Bible, it is said that “the love of money is root of all evil”. This is correct. To pursue money just to have it, is probably not the best thing for a person as it’s probably an addiction at that point and at the same time, they’re probably not doing too much with it. Instead, money should be considered a tool that amplifies the person that is using it. Good people will use it for good, while bad people will use it for bad things. Chris using his money to help his family move forward was a good thing. If used correctly for good, money can have a lot of impact – more than any one person can have in physical labor alone. Therefore the more money you have, the more people you have the potential to benefit.

2015 Edit: 5.) The Little Things – Since 2010 when I originally wrote this, I’ve realized that there is more to life that makes one happy. The fifth pillar could be referred to the little things. Each of us has particular small things in our life that we kind of geek over. For example, if you’re into sports, you might be into stats of pitchers, QBs, goalies, etc. You might attend games. You might even be into ::gasp:: Fantasy Football!

This pillar is as important as the other pillars. However, that said, it tends to be the one that people focus on the most. This is where you find all the little distractions in life including social media, gaming, and other new technology. While these things are great to have, too much of them can definitely be a bad thing. You need to equally be spending time with each pillar.

Things to Mention:

The thing to mention is with any of the pillars is that the less balanced one of them is, the more you think about and worry about it. Just like you’re suffocating and need air. Why? Because you feel that something is wrong – but you just can’t figure out what it is… or how to solve it. But you sense it. For example, if you have subpar relationships, you probably spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to get better ones. Or, if you have little money, you probably spend more time thinking about how to get it. You see the pattern.

Something else I want to mention here is two words we hear so much in society today. I used to wonder what the terms “shallow” and “deep” meant when describing a person. What I have found is that when a person is said to be “shallow” it’s because they are actually balancing very little. They typically are only interested in that very little – and that’s generally why they have little to talk about. On the other end, a person who is “deep” is one who has learned how to balance all their pillars and are fine tuning them on a regular basis.  They have probably spent time learning about the different pillars (while they might not have realized it!) and have more to talk about with more people. If you want to have more friends… deeper friends… here’s a suggestion: get deeper into yourself. Find out what you are passionate about in life and learn how to share that passion with others.

So what do you think about the 4 Pillars of Happyness? Is there another pillar you might not be aware of?